Im just not sure of anything anymore. Im not sure if I can make it on my own. Im not sure if I want to be with Steve. Im not sure if I still want to be in school, even. I know what I need to do. I know what I should do. Im just so sick of living and worrying bout money. Im so sick of living in a house that is basically worthless. This house probably cost about $3000 to build. I've paid $400/month for a year now. It just sucks. The landlord is great, though. I can't complain about the people. I just want a bigger space. I feel so cramped. I can't move my living room around. I have a big screen TV that doesnt work because I've not had any extra money to get it fixed. If we move, though, I'll have to get rid of my cats, Im sure. I've always had to do that my entire life, though, so it's nothing new. Every single day I get to hear about how much Steve hates cats and he wishes they were dead. I get to hear about how we can't have anything nice because of the cats (not the lack of money, but the cats). I get to hear all about how everything affects or effects him. If I try to have a day where I just want to bitch and moan, I have to stop because it bothers him. Today, he took my car to go to a job interview. He got fired from his last job. He asked me what time I had class tonight and I told him..5:30pm. He said, "So i need to be back by 5?" I said, "actually, around 3:30 or so, after your interview." he said, "It takes you 2 hours to get to school?!" At that point, I think... dude you're in MY car, you need to have it back when I need it, not when YOU want to bring it back. BUT I said, "Amanda needs me to help her with her algebra and I told her I would." He, at this point, is getting dressed and he says, "You need to stop helping others and start helping you. You always say you feel overwhelmed and this is why." I said, "Im fine. It's not school that overwhelms me. I will quit clubs on campus before I stop helping my friends." He said, "Then quit them!" I refused to respond. It has been a bad day. It has been a bad week, actually. My home PC died about 10 minutes before he and I had this discussion. I was frustrated because all of my papers, notes, research, etc. is on there. All of the pictures I've taken are on there. Those are important to me. Anyway, Im frustrated and he wants to have this discussion. So, I just didn't say anything and kept on typing on my laptop. He says, "Why aren't you talking to me?" I said, " I dont want to talk about this right now because Im getting mad." Then he proceeds to tell me how dumb I am for getting mad when we're just trying to have a conversation. I pointed out that when a conversation consists of one person telling another person what they need to do or change in their life, right when they're very frustrated and angry, it's going to cause a fight and I did not want to fight with him before he left for job interviews.

I just dont know anymore. I dont know if I can do this. I dont know if I can handle the instabilities, the name-calling, the im-so-mad-that-i-dont-realize-what-im-saying-and-youre-gonna-have-to-accept-it-or-get-over-its, the 'this is who i am and you can't change me' attitude. Its just getting old.

Maybe its me. Maybe Im difficult to get along with. My family will even tell you Im difficult to get along with, but my friends get along with me fine. Maybe Im just hard to live with? I dont know. My own brother speaks MAYBE 5 - 10 words to me when we're around each other, my family will not tell me things because they dont want me to get mad so they just keep it secret, Im told every single day that theres something about me I need to change...and its not only by Steve.

Im trying so hard right now and I just feel defeated every single day. I go to school, do my assignments, work, come home, cook and clean, take care of the cats (Because he refuses to lift a finger to help me with the cats at all because 'they're not his cats and he doesnt want any animals.'), do the laundry. When he does help me, Im so grateful. To get him to help me, though, I have to cry, scream, fight, yell, and then leave. Im just so tired of doing everything. He's been home for 2 weeks now. He did the dishes 1 time, then he finally fixed my dishwasher. He loaded the dishwasher 2 times for me. He picked up the living room, kinda. When he does laundry, he picks out his clothes and does them and leaves mine. Yet, I do both of ours.

Ok, Im going to stop bashing him. He has his good qualities, just right now Im so frustrated and so confused. It's so hard for me to forget things that are said. I need to learn how to forgive quicker. I need to figure out whats wrong with me. Why do I feel this way? Why do I not care about things right now? Every single day I see people on campus and they're telling me, "Shelly, stop worrying so much about making a's and b's, and just try to graduate." Professors are telling me this!!! It makes me feel so stupid for ever worrying about making a's and b's. They say I'm anal when it comes to my grades. They're telling me that my grades wont matter once I graduate. I know different, but I dont want to tell them.

There's also one girl at work, who everytime I relieve her she tells me how to do things in a really loud voice. Makes me feel like I'm in trouble. If I ask her a question, same thing. The computer lab is always dead silent cause there's no talking in there. So, when she comes in, she checks EVERYTHING before she tells me I can go. She's now starting to get there 10 minutes early instead of 5 minutes early so that she can double check what I've done before I leave for class. I know that in the workplace Im going to have to deal with people like this. Im just so sick and tired of people telling me how dumb I am and calling me a dumbass, retarded, etc. Im not dumb. Im actually very bright. Im starting to believe it though.

I need to go. This is just making me more and more depressed and making me want to just get in bed and cry. I thought this would help and it hasn't. I'll probably come back and delete this blog entry because I have no right to talk about him on here. Thats what everyone says, anyway. They tell me Im not allowed to write about people or the things they do or say to me because it's a violation to them. Guess we should also petition the newspapers for publishing things about people. Thats how dumb I think it is when someone says "dont blog about this." You know why people say that? Because they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what theyve said and done and they do not want anyone else to know. I've been told that it'll just cause a fight. Well, when someone comes to my blog and is looking for a fight, Im sure any journalism major can find something wrong with anything I've written, twist my words, and start an argument. That's what journalists (newspaper writers) do. Life is so ironic sometimes.

I wish I could be a better me.

Right now I am so frustrated, angry, upset, nervous, worried, mad - everything! Im getting so sick of having to defend myself, my actions, the way I think, the way I feel, what I say..EVERYTHING! It's getting really old. REALLY QUICK! Im so sick of not being able to say this or that because someone, somewhere might get mad. All of my life I have had to be VERY aware of what I say or do because someone either hated my guts, didn't want me around, or I would hurt someones feelings. I know that there is a time and place for everything. I know that I can't just walk around hurting peoples feelings left and right. I do have a conscience. I do understand those things. What I dont understand is why people PUSH themselves on me when they hate my guts?! Why would you want to read my blog if you didn't like me? It makes no sense. I have so much on my heart, my mind, everything right now and I have absolutely NO out for it. I can't afford a therapist, or Id have one. I can't talk to Steve because he wants to argue. Im surrounded by people, yet Im all alone. Im just sick of everything. I walk around with a lump in my throat holding back tears. I've done this for a week now.

Im sick and I know that these feelings could just be from where Im sick and not getting better. Im getting worse, actually. It really sucks. My voice was gone for a day or two. Now, Im coughing and my chest is weezing if I walk too much or do too much around the house. Thats ok though. Im expected to do everything. Today, we both were home this evening. I laid down at 4pm. There was crap all over the table (mail and stuff like that) that needed to be cleared off. A sink full of dishes. Laundry still in the laundry baskets because I've felt crappy for a week. When I woke up at 5pm I watched some tv and around 6 I asked Steve if he would run to walmart and get some groceries. He said he wouldn't because he went last time. Instead of arguing (my throat can't handle talking, let alone arguing because i tend to get loud), I just got dressed and went. My eyes were barely open. My muscles are litterally shaking because Im that weak. I can't hardly eat. I cried the entire way to WalMart. I got the store, went in and shopped for an hour. I screamed at people in the aisle where the cold stuff is because there were 4 people (women in their 40's - 50's) reading the backs of boxes. I knew exactly what I wanted so I said, "Excuse me." Mind you, I sound like a frog because Im so hoarse. They just stood there. Not one single person even tried to move their pinky finger! So, I said, "GET THE FU** OUT OF THE WAY!!" Apparently that got their attention. They moved, I got my stuff. I said "thank you" and I went on to the groceries. I checked out and loaded the groceries into my car. I was wheezing so bad. Coughing my head off. Sneezing like there's no tomorrow. I feel like Im in a daydream or something. Anyway, I cried the entire way home. OOOOH Before I left, Steve asked if I woudl stop and blockbuster and pick up a couple movies so we could watch them. I said, "HOW ABOUT NO! I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND I WONT STOP AND GET MOVIES BECAUSE I WONT WATCH THEM. IF YOU WANT THEM GET IN YOUR TRUCK AND GET THEM YOUR DAMN SELF." So we argued before I left. I cried all the way home. I came inside and he met me at the door. He put his shoes on and carried everything in. I then came in and changed my clothes. I went back in the kitchen. I figured he might've just started to put up the groceries. NOPE! So, I was putting up the groceries and he said, 'what are we having for dinner?' I said, "im not sure, i dont feel so well." he said, "you aren't cooking?!" I just started crying. Bawling my eyes out. It wasn't fair. I had to put up the groceries. Clean the table. Do the dishes. Cook. Clean up the kitchen. Im coughing my head off. I just want to sleep. I still have to clean the litter box, but thats ok. I'll do that. I know he hates it and I know that the litter causes his allergies to act up. Thats fine. BUT DANGIT! He could've done everything else! Man Im so mad at him. He's sitting at his computer and just when I look at him I get so mad. I love him to death but he can be so insensitive sometimes. The more Im writing the madder Im getting. So, Im going to change the subject.

I watched CSI tonight. That's about all I've done besides argue with Steve. I dont know if it is me and I just feel horrible and hes wanting to do this, this, this, that and this or if it is him just being the ass that he is. Im not sure, but I know one thing...Im just gonna crawl into bed and sleep. THEN he can do wahtever he wants. If he gets hungry, Im sure he'll cook...leave the dishes for me. Thats what hes done all week, so why would I expect him to do any different?!

I know this sounds horrible and everyone is gonna get mad at him and write responses and say "he should've blah blah balh", but please dont. I love this man with all of my heart and he does do things for me. Just today was bad. It was a bad day and it started yesterday evening. Hah! I work tomorrow, so I should probably get into bed. Its 11.30ish right now. I really hate that Cheryl reads my main blog. I really wish she would just go blind. That seems to be the only thing that will keep her stupid self away from my blog.

Take care.

Well, I've been sick the past couple of days. Been throwing up and the like. I think it's just a stomach virus or something. I've been living off of scrambled eggs, plain toast, and orange sherbert for the past 2 1/2 days. Sounds disgusting, but it's actually delicious. I don't mix em together or anything. Anyway, that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because as of right now my mother, brother, and stepdad are on their way back from Arkansas. My brother is moving back home. They're about 5 - 6 hours away right now and they'll probably be in tomorrow. My brother and I are going to be going to my dads tomorrow afternoon/evening. That worries me. I don't want to have any form of "the talk" on Christmas Eve just before we get to my dad's house. Im just wishing and praying that my brother says he's sorry. I don't want the apology for the hurtful words, because we both said hurtful things and thats water under the bridge. What I do want is for him to recognize that he hurt me when I would call him (because I thought everything between us was fine because I deleted the other blog like I was asked to do and was told that it would squash all of the drama) and he wouldn't answer or talk to me at all. It just really hurt me when the only time he talked to me was when she* was in Italy. We had our fight last January and over the summer is when she went to Italy..or maybe even in the spring time. I dont remember. All I know is that today was the first time I had talked to my brother on the phone (other than him telling me he was too busy to talk to me because he was eating the last time I called him) when I asked him about Christmas and going to daddy's. I know that Cory is excited for bubby to come home because he hasn't seen him in almost a year. Literally. I doubt I'll ever get an apology and it's just going to be up to me to get over it. That's just going to take time.

On a lighter note, things are coming together for Christmas. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and it's gonna be a busy day for me. I'm going to my daddy's house (about an hour and a half drive from me) and then around 11pm Steve and I are going to his parents house to exchange gifts and "have Christmas", as they put it. Im not really excited or anything, I just want it to be over with. On Christmas Day my family is having an informal dinner at my grandparents house around 2 or 3pm and we'll be exchanging gifts and eating then. Other than that, nothing really exciting. I've got to make 2 cakes, Steves gotta make his upside down cake, and I've gotta make about a dozen of deviled eggs.

Right now Im procrastinating. I should be doing the dishes (there's not many), doing a load of laundry (the only load that's left), sweeping the floor (will take about 10 minutes), cleaning the litter box (about 5 minutes), wrapping my mom and steve's moms gift (about 20 minutes and I hate wrapping gifts), and thats it. I kinda got off easy today. Don't really have much to do. At 4pm Im going to watch a show (which is in about 20 minutes) with Gretchen Wilson, whom I adore. I think she's beautiful, smart, a wunnaful singer/songwriter, and she just makes me feel good. Maybe when that special goes off, I'll feel motivated to start on the house. I hope Steve can come home early. Love his heart...he has worked overtime for the past two weeks. I've hardly seen him! I've been up for the past 3 nights (except last night) throwing up and he was sleeping. He'd wake up and hold my hair for me while I was throwing up or go and get me some mylanta (because he thinks that's a cure all for anything related to stomach and/or heartburn) and a cold washrag and get me back in bed and put the washrag on my forehead. Bout the time I'd fall asleep, the alarm would go off for him to get up and go to work. He works 10 hour days and he's worked everyday except Sundays for the past two weeks. He did get to spend some time with his brother, who lives in Wyoming but is in for the Holladays. Got him 2 new hats and he was in Heaven. He loves hats, thats for sure. The flexfit hats. Yes, i've learned all about them. He got a really nice black hat with a white bengal tiger on the front. It's cute. Looks good on him.

Anyway - I should go. Enough rambling. I'll be updating sometime after Christmas, I'm sure, to let ya'll know how the holladays went for me. New Years is going to be kinda sad cause I wont be with my family (on purpose), but kinda fun cause Steve has made plans that Im not allowed to know about! I sure do love mysteries!!!

Happy Holladays ya'll!!