Im just not sure of anything anymore. Im not sure if I can make it on my own. Im not sure if I want to be with Steve. Im not sure if I still want to be in school, even. I know what I need to do. I know what I should do. Im just so sick of living and worrying bout money. Im so sick of living in a house that is basically worthless. This house probably cost about $3000 to build. I've paid $400/month for a year now. It just sucks. The landlord is great, though. I can't complain about the people. I just want a bigger space. I feel so cramped. I can't move my living room around. I have a big screen TV that doesnt work because I've not had any extra money to get it fixed. If we move, though, I'll have to get rid of my cats, Im sure. I've always had to do that my entire life, though, so it's nothing new. Every single day I get to hear about how much Steve hates cats and he wishes they were dead. I get to hear about how we can't have anything nice because of the cats (not the lack of money, but the cats). I get to hear all about how everything affects or effects him. If I try to have a day where I just want to bitch and moan, I have to stop because it bothers him. Today, he took my car to go to a job interview. He got fired from his last job. He asked me what time I had class tonight and I told him..5:30pm. He said, "So i need to be back by 5?" I said, "actually, around 3:30 or so, after your interview." he said, "It takes you 2 hours to get to school?!" At that point, I think... dude you're in MY car, you need to have it back when I need it, not when YOU want to bring it back. BUT I said, "Amanda needs me to help her with her algebra and I told her I would." He, at this point, is getting dressed and he says, "You need to stop helping others and start helping you. You always say you feel overwhelmed and this is why." I said, "Im fine. It's not school that overwhelms me. I will quit clubs on campus before I stop helping my friends." He said, "Then quit them!" I refused to respond. It has been a bad day. It has been a bad week, actually. My home PC died about 10 minutes before he and I had this discussion. I was frustrated because all of my papers, notes, research, etc. is on there. All of the pictures I've taken are on there. Those are important to me. Anyway, Im frustrated and he wants to have this discussion. So, I just didn't say anything and kept on typing on my laptop. He says, "Why aren't you talking to me?" I said, " I dont want to talk about this right now because Im getting mad." Then he proceeds to tell me how dumb I am for getting mad when we're just trying to have a conversation. I pointed out that when a conversation consists of one person telling another person what they need to do or change in their life, right when they're very frustrated and angry, it's going to cause a fight and I did not want to fight with him before he left for job interviews.

I just dont know anymore. I dont know if I can do this. I dont know if I can handle the instabilities, the name-calling, the im-so-mad-that-i-dont-realize-what-im-saying-and-youre-gonna-have-to-accept-it-or-get-over-its, the 'this is who i am and you can't change me' attitude. Its just getting old.

Maybe its me. Maybe Im difficult to get along with. My family will even tell you Im difficult to get along with, but my friends get along with me fine. Maybe Im just hard to live with? I dont know. My own brother speaks MAYBE 5 - 10 words to me when we're around each other, my family will not tell me things because they dont want me to get mad so they just keep it secret, Im told every single day that theres something about me I need to change...and its not only by Steve.

Im trying so hard right now and I just feel defeated every single day. I go to school, do my assignments, work, come home, cook and clean, take care of the cats (Because he refuses to lift a finger to help me with the cats at all because 'they're not his cats and he doesnt want any animals.'), do the laundry. When he does help me, Im so grateful. To get him to help me, though, I have to cry, scream, fight, yell, and then leave. Im just so tired of doing everything. He's been home for 2 weeks now. He did the dishes 1 time, then he finally fixed my dishwasher. He loaded the dishwasher 2 times for me. He picked up the living room, kinda. When he does laundry, he picks out his clothes and does them and leaves mine. Yet, I do both of ours.

Ok, Im going to stop bashing him. He has his good qualities, just right now Im so frustrated and so confused. It's so hard for me to forget things that are said. I need to learn how to forgive quicker. I need to figure out whats wrong with me. Why do I feel this way? Why do I not care about things right now? Every single day I see people on campus and they're telling me, "Shelly, stop worrying so much about making a's and b's, and just try to graduate." Professors are telling me this!!! It makes me feel so stupid for ever worrying about making a's and b's. They say I'm anal when it comes to my grades. They're telling me that my grades wont matter once I graduate. I know different, but I dont want to tell them.

There's also one girl at work, who everytime I relieve her she tells me how to do things in a really loud voice. Makes me feel like I'm in trouble. If I ask her a question, same thing. The computer lab is always dead silent cause there's no talking in there. So, when she comes in, she checks EVERYTHING before she tells me I can go. She's now starting to get there 10 minutes early instead of 5 minutes early so that she can double check what I've done before I leave for class. I know that in the workplace Im going to have to deal with people like this. Im just so sick and tired of people telling me how dumb I am and calling me a dumbass, retarded, etc. Im not dumb. Im actually very bright. Im starting to believe it though.

I need to go. This is just making me more and more depressed and making me want to just get in bed and cry. I thought this would help and it hasn't. I'll probably come back and delete this blog entry because I have no right to talk about him on here. Thats what everyone says, anyway. They tell me Im not allowed to write about people or the things they do or say to me because it's a violation to them. Guess we should also petition the newspapers for publishing things about people. Thats how dumb I think it is when someone says "dont blog about this." You know why people say that? Because they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what theyve said and done and they do not want anyone else to know. I've been told that it'll just cause a fight. Well, when someone comes to my blog and is looking for a fight, Im sure any journalism major can find something wrong with anything I've written, twist my words, and start an argument. That's what journalists (newspaper writers) do. Life is so ironic sometimes.

I wish I could be a better me.

I LOVE YOU JUST AS YOU ARE!!

You are not only my bestest friend but my sissa & I absolutely ADORE you!! I'm going to be sending you something in an email...I hope it helps you.
I get my computer back tomorrow & am hoping to be online most of the weekend. Write me sugar if you need anything or just want to vent....I'll be your blog.

Love & Blessings, <3
~Teri~