Right now I am so frustrated, angry, upset, nervous, worried, mad - everything! Im getting so sick of having to defend myself, my actions, the way I think, the way I feel, what I say..EVERYTHING! It's getting really old. REALLY QUICK! Im so sick of not being able to say this or that because someone, somewhere might get mad. All of my life I have had to be VERY aware of what I say or do because someone either hated my guts, didn't want me around, or I would hurt someones feelings. I know that there is a time and place for everything. I know that I can't just walk around hurting peoples feelings left and right. I do have a conscience. I do understand those things. What I dont understand is why people PUSH themselves on me when they hate my guts?! Why would you want to read my blog if you didn't like me? It makes no sense. I have so much on my heart, my mind, everything right now and I have absolutely NO out for it. I can't afford a therapist, or Id have one. I can't talk to Steve because he wants to argue. Im surrounded by people, yet Im all alone. Im just sick of everything. I walk around with a lump in my throat holding back tears. I've done this for a week now.

Im sick and I know that these feelings could just be from where Im sick and not getting better. Im getting worse, actually. It really sucks. My voice was gone for a day or two. Now, Im coughing and my chest is weezing if I walk too much or do too much around the house. Thats ok though. Im expected to do everything. Today, we both were home this evening. I laid down at 4pm. There was crap all over the table (mail and stuff like that) that needed to be cleared off. A sink full of dishes. Laundry still in the laundry baskets because I've felt crappy for a week. When I woke up at 5pm I watched some tv and around 6 I asked Steve if he would run to walmart and get some groceries. He said he wouldn't because he went last time. Instead of arguing (my throat can't handle talking, let alone arguing because i tend to get loud), I just got dressed and went. My eyes were barely open. My muscles are litterally shaking because Im that weak. I can't hardly eat. I cried the entire way to WalMart. I got the store, went in and shopped for an hour. I screamed at people in the aisle where the cold stuff is because there were 4 people (women in their 40's - 50's) reading the backs of boxes. I knew exactly what I wanted so I said, "Excuse me." Mind you, I sound like a frog because Im so hoarse. They just stood there. Not one single person even tried to move their pinky finger! So, I said, "GET THE FU** OUT OF THE WAY!!" Apparently that got their attention. They moved, I got my stuff. I said "thank you" and I went on to the groceries. I checked out and loaded the groceries into my car. I was wheezing so bad. Coughing my head off. Sneezing like there's no tomorrow. I feel like Im in a daydream or something. Anyway, I cried the entire way home. OOOOH Before I left, Steve asked if I woudl stop and blockbuster and pick up a couple movies so we could watch them. I said, "HOW ABOUT NO! I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND I WONT STOP AND GET MOVIES BECAUSE I WONT WATCH THEM. IF YOU WANT THEM GET IN YOUR TRUCK AND GET THEM YOUR DAMN SELF." So we argued before I left. I cried all the way home. I came inside and he met me at the door. He put his shoes on and carried everything in. I then came in and changed my clothes. I went back in the kitchen. I figured he might've just started to put up the groceries. NOPE! So, I was putting up the groceries and he said, 'what are we having for dinner?' I said, "im not sure, i dont feel so well." he said, "you aren't cooking?!" I just started crying. Bawling my eyes out. It wasn't fair. I had to put up the groceries. Clean the table. Do the dishes. Cook. Clean up the kitchen. Im coughing my head off. I just want to sleep. I still have to clean the litter box, but thats ok. I'll do that. I know he hates it and I know that the litter causes his allergies to act up. Thats fine. BUT DANGIT! He could've done everything else! Man Im so mad at him. He's sitting at his computer and just when I look at him I get so mad. I love him to death but he can be so insensitive sometimes. The more Im writing the madder Im getting. So, Im going to change the subject.

I watched CSI tonight. That's about all I've done besides argue with Steve. I dont know if it is me and I just feel horrible and hes wanting to do this, this, this, that and this or if it is him just being the ass that he is. Im not sure, but I know one thing...Im just gonna crawl into bed and sleep. THEN he can do wahtever he wants. If he gets hungry, Im sure he'll cook...leave the dishes for me. Thats what hes done all week, so why would I expect him to do any different?!

I know this sounds horrible and everyone is gonna get mad at him and write responses and say "he should've blah blah balh", but please dont. I love this man with all of my heart and he does do things for me. Just today was bad. It was a bad day and it started yesterday evening. Hah! I work tomorrow, so I should probably get into bed. Its 11.30ish right now. I really hate that Cheryl reads my main blog. I really wish she would just go blind. That seems to be the only thing that will keep her stupid self away from my blog.

Take care.

Email me darlin' and let me know how you're feelin'! I'll be around this afternoon and most of this evening. I miss you sugar and wish that I could be there to take care of ya and just scream at everybody for ya. Kisses and I'll talk to you soon.

All my love,
~Your Sissa~ xoxoxoxoxo

What I always read was "Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning" and I made myself believe it because God said it. This too shall pass. But you may need to see a dr. Dr. Apgar will give you a break on money if you go to him.

I sure hope you get yourself to a doctor, sounds like the flu and that is not to be messed with, I had it two years ago and ended up in the hosp for three days, not fun. Love you girlie and I hope you get better! Thanks for talking with me tonight, I miss our late night talks!

*grins*:)